What is my motivation? Like, do I really have any?

That may seem funny I guess, but I said it was about honesty right?

My motivations… I’m sure I will keep editing this list, but here goes…

  1. To feel better with my family and friends when out in public.  My kids don’t feel ashamed of me anymore.  I know they used to.  Kudos to them for growing out of that.  Kudos to me too I guess.
  2. I never feel like my clothes look good on me at this weight.  And I work from home, so most of my clothing is about comfort, not style.  I’d like to feel like shopping for clothes is something enjoyable again…instead of just a necessity.
  3. To feel lighter.  Have you ever stood on the scale and pressed against the counter top or pulled on the towel bar to see what it would feel like to be _ _ lbs lighter?  Yeah, me too.  My feet loved that.  I’m sure my joints would too.
  4. To get rid of this round pumpkin face.  Then I can get a hair style instead of a hair cut.
  5. Were my eyes always so squinty and small in pictures?  No they weren’t.  I want to see my eyes again.
  6. “That” list of people that look down on me.  We all have that list.  Exes, former classmates that bullied us about our weight, whatever.  Childish, but seriously, who can’t put that on their list?
  7. My mom.  While I HATE the fact that she brings it up whenever I’m visiting, I know it’s a concern for her, and she wants to see me happy.  She’s already lost one of her kids to lung cancer, and although I don’t smoke, she’s worried about my health.  I’m the youngest of five and my sister is 13 years older than me.  My mom is getting up there in years too.  Many of my classmates have already lost one or both parents.  It’s a gift I’d love to give her.  But I also find I can’t use her as a main motivation, because the guilt sends me off to the store for the wrong kind of comfort.
  8. I’m single.  I don’t mind being single actually.  Most of the time.  lol  I enjoy private time.  When I want to go out on a date though, I’m stumped for options.  I’d like that to change.  No, I don’t mean sex.  Finding someone who wants sex is easy.  It’s the other stuff I miss sometimes.

Uh oh…looks like I’m going to go off on a tangent for a bit….

I know, screw them if they are so shallow they can’t appreciate me for who I am.  Reality check.  I work from home.  lol  I don’t like clubs and I don’t dance.  So unless my friends want to fix me up with someone, it’s the online dating world for me.  Looks matter.  The personality will win them over, sure, but there are very few that will check the “body type doesn’t matter” box, and those that do are looking for booty calls, not  creating a foundation of friendship and romance.  So the online dating scene is tedious.   Ok ok, …maybe I’ll join some groups or take some classes or something.

Can someone tell me why everyone on dating sites want to meet like right NOW.  When I finally hit a profile that makes me go “hmmm…” I like throwing a few messages back and forth to get a clue about their personality and sense of humor first.  They don’t seem to care.  I don’t get it.  I don’t want to be smiling sweetly looking for the first opportunity to slip out the back door.  I want to know if there’s some sort of connection first.  Am I old fashioned?  Don’t answer that.  I know the answer.  But I’m ok with it.

Ok, back to the list.

9.   To be able to run again.  Without my knees hurting, or running out of breath in 5 seconds.
1o. To be able to climb a flight of stairs at a normal pace without hyperventilating.
11. To be able to go hiking…and other physical stuff with friends.  Zip lining, etc.12. To be able to sit in an airplane seat, without an extension, and not have to feel I’m doing isometrics for the whole flight in order not to invade the space of the person next to me.

Ok there’s a nice start to the list, of which I’m sure I will come back and edit.  But in looking it over, there’s nothing there that’s really screaming at me….you know like when you attend a rally and it pumps you up to do something.

So….those are really benefits to losing weight.  But they are only slightly motivational for me.  So what is going to get me over the hurdle?




My Journey To Find A Weight Loss Solution

Seriously…. Aargh!    I’m #&%tysomething years old and I am still seriously weight.  5’7″ (if I stretch the tape measure really tight) and 300 lbs. if I weigh in the morning nude after coffee and….well..you know.   I’m sure there’s plenty out there who can relate.

I have to be honest with myself.  I want the scale to start moving down in numbers, but I lack the ambition, self control, will power, or whatever it is that drives a person to make the hard choices.  So….why the hell am I here doing this?  I don’t know.  I may shut it all down next week.  Or….I might find something that works.

In every weight loss plan I’ve joined there has been a sideline support group which I avoided like the plague.  I don’t need the guilt, or to feel bad when I “cheated” or I just freaking took a week off from the whole dieting thing.  I realize most people are supportive, but I just don’t get anything but feelings of shame from people who do the “Oh hey girl, better luck tomorrow, or next week.”

I have lost weight on Medi programs out there (I was down to 228 once…omg how did I do that), and I gained it right back after I got away from the tasteless and expensive boxes of “food” that came.  I have friends that have joined the more expensive prepared meal programs, but they couldn’t afford to stay on them.

I joined a work out club with a friend, and I have to say, I wouldn’t go except for the fact she drives over and picks me up.  And she probably doesn’t go except for the fact she feels obligated to pick me up… lol  But it works for us.  We have a set schedule, and we follow it, adapt it over time, and we feel better afterwards.  On the first session when we met with the trainer, I flat out said “I’m not here to lose weight. I just want to keep from losing any more muscle.”  He seemed relieved to hear that.  I already knew that changing my food habits is what is going to make the scale move in the direction I fantasize about.

I don’t care if I lose it fast, I just want to lose it.  It can’t be expensive because I don’t have a lot of money.  And I don’t want to suffer with foods I can’t stand.  I don’t want to eat bland pre packaged meals and be dying for fresh food at night.  Ok…there’s a lot of stuff I don’t want.  I realize I sound like a total baby too.   So again, why am I here?

Because I know it’s possible.  With baby steps.  With research.  With a plan that I can adapt over time.  With asking questions.  With being really honest with myself.   OMG, the sun just streamed through the curtains when I wrote that….lol  where’s the cameras?

Oh…did I mention…I really hate cooking?   Yeah, I have some hurdles ahead.