Starting To Plan

As I sit here eating the cookie dough that my son just brought me….not kidding… I am contemplating the plan I will set forth to change my ways.  And taking my honesty approach, I admit I will need some help.  And I’m going to need to do things in stages.

(Yes, I’m aware of the dangers of raw eggs and raw flour…please do not feel the need to educate me.)

I’m going to need to get some help.  Just like my friend and I going to the gym and depending on each other….I am going to need to figure out how much I’m willing to be accountable to someone else,  and make some new friends who can give me some strategies….and from that I’ll need to take some ideas.

My needs and wants…   I guess it’s time for more lists.  This is just the way my mind works.  If anyone is reading this, I hope you make your own lists…I doubt whether everything on mine will match up with yours.  But then again, if you’re not motivated to make a stinking list, then just keep reading.. lol  I won’t judge you.

Things I need to do, find or incorporate into my daily habits. (Not all at once.)

  1. Drink more water.
  2. Eat less sugar.
  3. Eat less carbs.Eat more veggies.
  4. Eat more protein.
  5. Healthy or healthier sugar substitutes
  6. Eat breakfast….ugh…
  7. Have some healthy grab and each options, fruit, etc.
  8. Find some quick easy healthy meal and snack options, ideally prepared beforehand and then either heat and eat like tv dinners, or remove from fridge like veggie trays.

More water is obvious…it helps everything else move through…the hydration is essential to keep the body functioning.  Less sugar and carbs because I’m looking at type 2 diabetes if I don’t stop soon.  I can’t even begin to think about my poor pancreas.

Veggies…I…like veggies.  I mean…when I go to get pizza, I always crave a salad.  I never crave them at home.  So maybe I should prepare a “salad bar” in the fridge.  And keep stocked the goodies that make it special like baby corn and garbanzo beans.  Proteins are a little harder for me.  I love meats, but I don’t want to be cooking a lot of meat.  How many eggs are ok for a person?   I have the hardest time eating anything before about 2pm, unless I’m going to lunch with a friend.  I get up, maybe have coffee (yes, cream and sugar) and then I go work out and come home or immediately get in front of the computer and don’t eat anything until 2, 3, 4 or sometimes later.  Then of course I take that first bite of food and feel ravenous.

I used to keep nuts at my desk.  They were good in a pinch, but when I go to the store I convince myself I’m sick of nuts.  So I don’t buy them.  But I guarantee if they were here at my desk, they would get eaten.  I just need to freaking buy them.  And stock my fruit bowl in the kitchen.  But I think most of all is I need to go out there and find healthy stuff that I can either throw together fast with little to no prep, or start preparing meals for the week, and get them out as needed.

Things I need to limit buying, eating, drinking or doing.

  1. Soda pop and anything with HFCS or Aspartame.
  2. Sugar filled candy, desserts, etc.
  3. White bread, and most carbs
  4. Eating too close to bedtime.
  5. Rewarding myself and my kids with food.
  6. Less Starbucks and sugary coffee at home
  7. Putting too much on my plate at once
  8. Eating too fast
  9. Going back for more
  10. Eating only one thing for mealtime….
  11. Cutting down on certain types of fats

High fructose corn syrup is linked to a lot of dietary problems. Aspartame is crazy bad, and it’s in all the chewing gum now….and who knows what else.  Processed foods contain all sorts of sugars, high sodium, blah blah…all I can hope to do is eat less of them.  I can’t go without my potatoes, and I can’t stand brown rice in most things.  I have been surprised before tho.

One interesting thing I’ve noticed….I’d be curious to know how this works for others…is that if I eat in bed, or especially consume sugar or other carbs, that my heart rate goes up.  I could actually feel it, but then I started measuring it, and I was shocked.  Just sitting there in bed watching tv…I could be at 78 beats a minute and 30 minutes after sugar, it could be 90 or more.

Food as rewards is as old as well…food.  It’s just gotten less and less healthy in our options.  Finding a list of non food options will be a goal.  Maybe a massage, or a movie out with a friend, or a new shirt…I dunno.  A candy bar is just so much cheaper.  Maybe some sugar free candy.  lol  That will curb my craving.  More on that later.  I rarely get Starbucks unless I’m out with a friend.  And I can wean myself off sugary coffee at home.  I think what I’m amazed about mostly is that if I have a small coffee at home or out, I generally am ok with a small coffee.  If I get a large coffee when I’m out, I’ll drink it all.  I don’t think I notice how much I’m drinking or eating most of the time.  I just eat or drink until I can’t anymore.  Not good.  I’m thinking I might go out to eat with the intention of bringing home leftovers next time.  And if I want a bit of this or a slice of that at home, there’s no reason why I can’t sample a little of everything instead of filling up on it.  I think I’ll be trying savor smaller portions instead of hurting over larger ones.

Have you ever noticed at a restaurant, you usually have smaller portions than what you’d have at home…and yet they’re so filling.  My problem is, I don’t generally have more than one item when I eat.  I don’t have a piece of meat, with veggies and a little carb something.  I might get a big piece of meat and lots of carbs.  Rarely veggies.  Unfortunately, my kids have adopted the same pattern, which is no surprise.

I’m really not so concerned about fats right now.  I can cut down a bit, but it’s not my main concern.   Going to try to steer clear of the canola oil because of the weed killer, but mostly I’ll leave the fat concern for last after I’ve conquered everything else.  🙂



What is my motivation? Like, do I really have any?

That may seem funny I guess, but I said it was about honesty right?

My motivations… I’m sure I will keep editing this list, but here goes…

  1. To feel better with my family and friends when out in public.  My kids don’t feel ashamed of me anymore.  I know they used to.  Kudos to them for growing out of that.  Kudos to me too I guess.
  2. I never feel like my clothes look good on me at this weight.  And I work from home, so most of my clothing is about comfort, not style.  I’d like to feel like shopping for clothes is something enjoyable again…instead of just a necessity.
  3. To feel lighter.  Have you ever stood on the scale and pressed against the counter top or pulled on the towel bar to see what it would feel like to be _ _ lbs lighter?  Yeah, me too.  My feet loved that.  I’m sure my joints would too.
  4. To get rid of this round pumpkin face.  Then I can get a hair style instead of a hair cut.
  5. Were my eyes always so squinty and small in pictures?  No they weren’t.  I want to see my eyes again.
  6. “That” list of people that look down on me.  We all have that list.  Exes, former classmates that bullied us about our weight, whatever.  Childish, but seriously, who can’t put that on their list?
  7. My mom.  While I HATE the fact that she brings it up whenever I’m visiting, I know it’s a concern for her, and she wants to see me happy.  She’s already lost one of her kids to lung cancer, and although I don’t smoke, she’s worried about my health.  I’m the youngest of five and my sister is 13 years older than me.  My mom is getting up there in years too.  Many of my classmates have already lost one or both parents.  It’s a gift I’d love to give her.  But I also find I can’t use her as a main motivation, because the guilt sends me off to the store for the wrong kind of comfort.
  8. I’m single.  I don’t mind being single actually.  Most of the time.  lol  I enjoy private time.  When I want to go out on a date though, I’m stumped for options.  I’d like that to change.  No, I don’t mean sex.  Finding someone who wants sex is easy.  It’s the other stuff I miss sometimes.

Uh oh…looks like I’m going to go off on a tangent for a bit….

I know, screw them if they are so shallow they can’t appreciate me for who I am.  Reality check.  I work from home.  lol  I don’t like clubs and I don’t dance.  So unless my friends want to fix me up with someone, it’s the online dating world for me.  Looks matter.  The personality will win them over, sure, but there are very few that will check the “body type doesn’t matter” box, and those that do are looking for booty calls, not  creating a foundation of friendship and romance.  So the online dating scene is tedious.   Ok ok, …maybe I’ll join some groups or take some classes or something.

Can someone tell me why everyone on dating sites want to meet like right NOW.  When I finally hit a profile that makes me go “hmmm…” I like throwing a few messages back and forth to get a clue about their personality and sense of humor first.  They don’t seem to care.  I don’t get it.  I don’t want to be smiling sweetly looking for the first opportunity to slip out the back door.  I want to know if there’s some sort of connection first.  Am I old fashioned?  Don’t answer that.  I know the answer.  But I’m ok with it.

Ok, back to the list.

9.   To be able to run again.  Without my knees hurting, or running out of breath in 5 seconds.
1o. To be able to climb a flight of stairs at a normal pace without hyperventilating.
11. To be able to go hiking…and other physical stuff with friends.  Zip lining, etc.12. To be able to sit in an airplane seat, without an extension, and not have to feel I’m doing isometrics for the whole flight in order not to invade the space of the person next to me.

Ok there’s a nice start to the list, of which I’m sure I will come back and edit.  But in looking it over, there’s nothing there that’s really screaming at me….you know like when you attend a rally and it pumps you up to do something.

So….those are really benefits to losing weight.  But they are only slightly motivational for me.  So what is going to get me over the hurdle?




My Journey To Find A Weight Loss Solution

Seriously…. Aargh!    I’m #&%tysomething years old and I am still seriously weight.  5’7″ (if I stretch the tape measure really tight) and 300 lbs. if I weigh in the morning nude after coffee and… know.   I’m sure there’s plenty out there who can relate.

I have to be honest with myself.  I want the scale to start moving down in numbers, but I lack the ambition, self control, will power, or whatever it is that drives a person to make the hard choices.  So….why the hell am I here doing this?  I don’t know.  I may shut it all down next week.  Or….I might find something that works.

In every weight loss plan I’ve joined there has been a sideline support group which I avoided like the plague.  I don’t need the guilt, or to feel bad when I “cheated” or I just freaking took a week off from the whole dieting thing.  I realize most people are supportive, but I just don’t get anything but feelings of shame from people who do the “Oh hey girl, better luck tomorrow, or next week.”

I have lost weight on Medi programs out there (I was down to 228 once…omg how did I do that), and I gained it right back after I got away from the tasteless and expensive boxes of “food” that came.  I have friends that have joined the more expensive prepared meal programs, but they couldn’t afford to stay on them.

I joined a work out club with a friend, and I have to say, I wouldn’t go except for the fact she drives over and picks me up.  And she probably doesn’t go except for the fact she feels obligated to pick me up… lol  But it works for us.  We have a set schedule, and we follow it, adapt it over time, and we feel better afterwards.  On the first session when we met with the trainer, I flat out said “I’m not here to lose weight. I just want to keep from losing any more muscle.”  He seemed relieved to hear that.  I already knew that changing my food habits is what is going to make the scale move in the direction I fantasize about.

I don’t care if I lose it fast, I just want to lose it.  It can’t be expensive because I don’t have a lot of money.  And I don’t want to suffer with foods I can’t stand.  I don’t want to eat bland pre packaged meals and be dying for fresh food at night.  Ok…there’s a lot of stuff I don’t want.  I realize I sound like a total baby too.   So again, why am I here?

Because I know it’s possible.  With baby steps.  With research.  With a plan that I can adapt over time.  With asking questions.  With being really honest with myself.   OMG, the sun just streamed through the curtains when I wrote that….lol  where’s the cameras?

Oh…did I mention…I really hate cooking?   Yeah, I have some hurdles ahead.